Jewish history is littered with sects, groups of people kind of like Jews who celebrate the same holidays and have many of the same customs, yet are somehow different.
Today's sect is known as "Jewish Republicans," few in number but very loud. Like most Jews, they celebrate Pesach, but they've got their own Haggadah. The differences between their Haggadah and ours are instructive.
Kadeish קדש Urchatz ורחץ After drinking the first cup of wine, most Jews wash their hands, but the Republicans stay seated and wait for the water to trickle down.
Karpas כרפס Most Jews then eat a green vegetable, but the Republican Haggadah follows the ruling of Rabbi Reagan that ketchup qualifies as a vegetable. Ketchup is not green, but green is the last thing any Republican would want to be. (Reagan does have this in common with Moses: Neither ever set foot in the land of Israel.)
Yachatz יחץ Next, we break the middle of the three matzot. Most Jews break the middle matzah into two roughly equal pieces, replacing the smaller piece on the Seder plate and hiding the larger piece as the afikoman. The Republican Haggadah asks the leader (or in Republican parlance, the Seder CEO) to keep 99 percent of the matzah for himself and let the other participants share the remaining 1 percent.
Maggid מגיד The Torah speaks of four sons, but the Republican Haggadah speaks of four candidates:
The simple candidate (Santorum),
the wicked candidate (Paul),
the candidate who does not know how to answer (Romney), and
the simple candidate who thinks he's the wise candidate (Gingrich).
They have no wise candidates.
The highlight of the Republican Haggadah is its version of "Dayenu" — "it would have been enough." The Republican motto when it comes to President Obama is "nothing is enough" — no matter how much President Obama does for Israel, it's never enough for some of our Republican friends:
President Obama has called for the removal of Syrian President Assad.
But that's not enough.
President Obama ordered the successful assassination of Osama bin Laden.
But that's not enough.
President Obama has done more than any other president to stop Iran's illicit nuclear program.
But that's not enough.
President Obama restored Israel's qualitative military edge after years of erosion under the Bush administration.
But that's not enough.
President Obama increased security assistance to Israel to record levels.
But that's not enough.
President Obama boycotted Durban II and Durban III.
But that's not enough.
President Obama has taken U.S.-Israel military and intelligence cooperation to unprecedented levels.
But that's not enough.
President Obama cast his only veto in the U.N. against the one-sided anti-Israel Security Council resolution.
But that's not enough.
President Obama opposed the Goldstone Report.
But that's not enough.
President Obama stood with Israel against the Gaza flotilla.
But that's not enough.
President Obama organized a successful diplomatic crusade against the unilateral declaration of a Palestinian state.
But that's not enough.
President Obama immediately intervened to rescue Israelis trapped in the Egyptian embassy.
But that's not enough.
President Obama gave orders to give Israel "whatever it needs" to put out the Carmel fire.
But that's not enough.
President Obama maintained the U.S. policy of ambiguity on Israel's nuclear weapons.
But that's not enough.
President Obama has repeatedly condemned Palestinian incitement against Israel and attempts to delegitimize Israel.
But that's not enough.
President Obama pulled out of joint exercises with Turkey after Turkey excluded Israel.
But that's not enough.
There's probably nothing President Obama can do to convince some Republicans that he's pro-Israel. If President Obama split the Sea of Reeds and walked through it dry-shod, they'd accuse him of not being able to swim. They made their mind up before he was elected that he could not be trusted and they ignore everything that contradicts their biases.
The ultimate message of the real Haggadah is hope (sound familiar?). Let's hope that just as the vast majority of American Jews voted for Barack Obama in 2008, the vast majority of us will remember who we are and what we value and vote to re-elect President Obama in 2012.
If the bid for the Republican nomination has got you down, if spring time in February makes you wonder about global warming, if robo-calls during dinner time exasperate you, you might want to head to InterAct Theatre's lively production of Microcrisis, a new satire written by Michael Lew and directed by Seth Rozin. The play takes you from a Monaco casino to a Washington D.C racquetball court in a fast-paced 80 minute romp that follows characters through a corrupt microcredit investment scheme not unfamiliar to most Americans.
The one man in America you probably don't want to work for. Having said "I like being able to fire people", Gov. Mitt Romney (played by Justin Long) is cast in the roll of The Office's Michael Scott.
This is Taglit Israeli comedy show Eretz-Nehederet premiered its 7th season (Jan. 23, 2012) with this satire of the Taglit-Birthright Israel trips. Every year tens of thousands of American, European, and South American Jews get free trips to come on a two-week guided tour of Israel. For many this is a chance to see historical sites like Masada, practice whatever Hebrew they learned, and party with Israeli soldiers.
Governor Corbett really likes Commissions. In his short tenure he has appointed several to deal with issues such as Transportation, Marcellus Shale, and the role of Government.
Commissions can be very useful, particularly if you, like Governor Corbett, stack them with people who are already committed to recommending what you have already decided to do. For example, the Marcellus Shale Commission was composed largely of administration officials, energy executives and advocates from groups like "People for a More Noxious Tomorrow".
I adopted a similar strategy recently when I had a dispute with my friend Walter. We were having a fight over which one of us is the bigger Dufus (it is a fight we frequently have). So I appointed a Commission to explore the matter composed of me, my mom, and 3 dudes who owe me money. Oddly, the Commission still found that I was the bigger Dufus (the evidence was compelling).
I am particularly intrigued by his new commission on privatization. The purpose of this commission is to find the "core functions" of government and to privatize everything else. I worry that the Commission will find that there are no core functions of government, particularly since the Chair of the Commission is also the President of the "There Are No Core Functions of Government" Foundation.
But I always try to be a "when-in-Rome" kind of guy. So I have a suggestion for the new Commission on something we can privatize, Let's privatize the legislature!!!
Here is a skit entitled "Kindergarten Hope" from the satire program "Eretz Nehederet" (Wonderful Country) on Israel Television Channel 2 applying the curriculum of the university reform movement Im Tirtzu to Israeli Kindergartens.
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Of all Mitt Romney's flip-flops this might be his biggest one yet. On May 31, 2011, he was 
Ring.
Satire originally posted in the 
Maggid מגיד
